Exchange Friendships

A month ago, two of my best friends left my life—possibly forever. The same thing will happen again on Wednesday. Such is life while studying abroad. I will stay at Boğaziçi University for the Spring Semester, while most of my good friends in Turkey will return to the United States.

For me these friendships have been unique because they were formed by necessity as much as any genuine attraction of two minds. My first weeks in Istanbul were lonely and boring. After enough wandering the city, meeting other American exchange students at our university orientation was like finding a lifeboat. There was literally a world of foreigners in our same situation to choose from, but we deliberately cast a small net. Within days we had formed a tribe of Americans. Into our tribe we allowed two Irishmen because, well, they fit in better with us than anyone else.

These friendships were necessary on an instinctual level, but that doesn't mean they were superficial. Each of us had left the people who counsel us in serious, intimate matters. By late September, I had surveyed the still unfamiliar faces thinking: Who can I talk to? Who can I trust? Ultimately, you choose someone or live solitarily. We each went through this process, much quicker than we would have at home. Within days—sometimes hours—of meeting new people, I shared details of my life that I’ve kept from many of my best friends in Tempe. I simultaneously had the freedom to divulge information with minimal blowback while suffering withdrawal for the friendships I had finessed for years back home.

In some cases, we made miscalculations. People passed on too much, or reacted differently than one hoped. No one’s totally sure of the rules; you find out what they are when you break them. It’s like international relations with secrets substituted for surface-to-air missiles, except everyone lives.

I think of Istanbul and I feel at home now, largely because of my friends here. I’m sad that they’re leaving of course, but I think it's kind of like owning a dog—I always knew one day I'd say goodbye.

We live in a fast, mobile world so maybe brief friendships are the norm and this is nothing special. But I believe these friendships require a different category. They were necessary, powerful, and rewarding in spite of their brevity—or more likely because of it.